I don’t feel inspired or particularly inspiring today. The fact is, I’m tired. Not just ‘I didn’t sleep well last night’ tired; it’s deeper than that. It’s more of an ‘I want to curl up in a ball and ask the world to leave me alone’ type of fatigue. It’s a fatigue that comes from a combination of not being able to control what’s happening to me physically and an unrealistic expectation of what image I should be presenting to the world around me.
I’m tired of what this cancer treatment is doing to me, and it’s only been three months. Nights spent kicking the covers on and off, sudden flashes of sweat and uncomfortable warmth that can’t be anticipated. Weight that continues to slowly creep upward. Depletion of energy even when doing things that never were a problem. I thought that perhaps I could help rebalance my body chemistry by controlling my diet, but hunger fired by drugs makes it difficult. I’m realizing I’m just along for the ride, and the trip is just starting.
I want to be strong and an encouragement to those around me. I need to be strong to care for my family. I’ve been able to carry on with daily life pretty well so far, for which I’m grateful. But at times it’s difficult to maintain. I want to stay in the joy and peace that God provides, but there are times which aren’t very peaceful or particularly joyful. Some days just seem dull and gray.
This is nothing profound; most of you understand exactly what I’m saying. We all have days where we feel we’ve reached the end of our rope. Tying a knot and hanging on seems like too much trouble. At that point, we have two choices. We can either give in to hopelessness and quit trying, letting our circumstances carry us along and hoping it doesn’t hurt too bad. Or we can let go of the rope and fall into God’s hand.
God meets us at our point of weakness. Sometimes he orchestrates our circumstances to lead us there. It’s usually because he has something important to tell us, and when we have nothing else with which to prop ourselves up we are finally ready to listen. It may be simply, “my grace is sufficient for you, because my power is made perfect in weakness” (2 Corinthians 12:9). When we’re ‘strong’ we don’t see God at work. But like Paul, “when I am weak, then I am strong” (v. 10). When we finally have all our self-delusions and pretensions stripped away, we begin to find God and see what he is bringing forth within us.
So it’s okay that not every day is a good day. Joy and peace are still there because God is always there and at work within us. He upholds and sustains us, and will lead us into the sunshine.